“I’m and emotional girl, I can’t help myself. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I do both and I don’t know why. I’ve got a passionate heart, and that’s just the way things are…”
I am Happy!
I have always loved this song, even in 1996 when the only real “emotions” I felt shifted between happy and extreme happiness! You see God blessed me as a child with great parents, a loving home, and great friends. I was very carefree and my parents had me convinced that I could do or be anything I wanted to be or do! My mom and dad would always tease me….I would laugh and smile and be silly and my mom would say…”she is just such a little happy butt”…and she was right! As a child, and even today, I knew my parents would always take care of me, my family would always have my back, and IF and when I needed something, I need only to ask…they love me that much! I was, I am Happy, Happy, Happy!
I am a pleaser!
I have always found it very hard to make decisions without first making sure that everyone else thinks it is a good idea too! You see, I am a pleaser, and being a natural born “pleaser” of those that I love, I have always been prone to seeking approval. I want to make people who I admire, or who I love proud of me! I needed to know that my dad was proud of me, I have always needed to know that my older brothers were proud of me, and if someone invests in me in any way, I want more than anything to make them happy and proud of me….I am a pleaser!
I am Creative!
I have also found that as I age, I am a deeply creative person. I think I have always been creative, although no one ever really seemed to notice my artistic abilities because my art is not an outward expression, or maybe my creativity was overshadowed by my big personality and loud mouth! My boys and Olivia are very artistic in the traditional way, especially the boys! They are very talented and have always drawn! When they were young they would be happy to have a stack of paper and a box (like as in a rubbermaid tub) of crayons and they would draw pictures for hours. I have a big box full of their artwork from when they were little. They are the kids that are always picked in the group to draw for class projects. I, on the other hand, was asked to only grade papers and change classes after one semester of Art in High School because the Art Teacher loved me so much he did not want me to fail his class and mess up my GPA (true story)!
I am a dreamer!
I would like to add another layer to this and say that I am inwardly bombarded with ideas, and my mind constantly runs with thoughts, dreams, ideas, desires, burdens, love, concern, compassion, and the list goes on and on and on and on! It is exhausting my friends! I can be the most logical, methodical, and efficient person in the world when there is a task at hand to complete…I like to call this my “go mode” and its a happy time for me because I have a purpose, I am focused on accomplishing a task and all the other stuff sort of subsides! When the task is over, I am back to inward bombardment of really deep, heavy, stuff! I dream of serving our God in a way that is pleasing to Him. I worry and feel the pain of those close to me and I desire for them to know God in an intimate way, and I wonder if I am doing enough to help them know how to seek Him. I want to draw others in and comfort them, encourage them, be Jesus’ hands and feet to them! I want my kids (Yorks and church kids) to know God, to allow Him to guide them, and to live for Him because my heart longs for them to get it right and live a gloriously blessed life through Him without all the hardship of leaving His path and His plan for their lives! And mostly, I dream of the day that our Father will pat me on the back and say “well done, thy good and faithful servant”! I want to please Him, I want Him to be proud, and I want to make Him happy!
I am a crier….BACK TO THE EMOTIONAL PART!
I sometimes feel like as much as I want these things, I am just not getting it done. I get distracted by the world (doesn’t satan just love to confuse and distract us). Then I feel lost, and sad, and as if all I have done is things that keep my head above the mommy water, and I have missed so much time with God. Time I should have spent in worship of Him, or time I should have spent talking to Him, or being fed and energized by His word turns into time I spent doing laundry, or dishes, or time spent “resting on my own” because I thought that was what I needed! Then I begin to cry…be agitated…get annoyed…feel lonely…feel as if I am not being appreciated by the people I love…to feel as if I am the only one who does anything…ME ME ME! Do others do this as well? I know that its satan’s best trick…to separate us from God. Make us to busy. Make us to tired. Bind us to our own flesh, so that we miss the joy and love of Jesus Christ in our hearts.
I know the Truth!
His truth rings in my ears and on my heart: come to me all ye who are weak and heavy laden and I will give you REST; I shall not leave or forsake you; all things work together for the good of those who love Him; count it all joy this trial you are in for testing your faith brings about endurance (all paraphrased). I am called back to read the word, write about my struggles, release the thoughts in my head and on my heart, and share them with you, my sweetest friends so that maybe you will be encouraged, maybe you will feel a little less alone in your trials, maybe you will find a way to seek him today! He says Seek and ye shall find, but we have got to stop doing the busy stuff long enough to seek Him! He is the creator of time y’all! He made it, and He can give it back to us if we will give Him our attention first!
Today found me on the floor in my office, crying out to Him, tears streaming down my face and all I could say is “God, Please Help, in Jesus name, hear my heart! Help me, Help my family, Help my friends, Just please be present and let us all feel you”. He HEARD ME! I cry a LOT! I laugh a LOT too! I am BLESSED beyond measure!